Dear Poe...the advice column

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black_chic
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/13 01:53:31 (permalink)
Dear Hoe, I mean, Poe....

I have an addiction to Hershey's chocolate. Can you help me kick this habit?

choco_chic

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poeboy
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/13 10:01:43 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: ratman

Sounds fine to me.

Dear Poe,

How can you ween yourself from a Star Wars addiction?

-Addicted Rat

Dear Addicted,

It only takes one night, but the night has to go like this: Steal a car. A nice one. Like a Hummer. Stop by the liquor store and get lots of Captain Morgan, vodka, and Scnapp's. Put some good classic metal and head to Nevada. Once you cross into Nevada, find one of the more reputable whorehouses. Once located, sell the Hummer to some sleazy looking guy hiding behind a dumpster near a Wal-Mart. Spend all the money from the Hummer sale on one night of cheap, meaningless sex with a professional. Find a nice looking one, though. Wake up from this and light up a roach. I don't know where it came from, maybe the whore. Get your clothes on and head to the nearest bus station. Rob some old people and buy a ticket home. Once you get home, piss (literally) on all your Star wars stuff. Call that girl from high school you wanted to put the bone to, and ask her out. If she says no, ask her mom. If she says no, find a cheap slut, the town pump is usually a good one, and make her your steady. if you are still addicted to SW after this, you are stuck for life, and there is no hope for you. Let me know how things go.

Ask me for my advice here.
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poeboy
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/13 10:03:01 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: black_chic

Dear Hoe, I mean, Poe....

I have an addiction to Hershey's chocolate. Can you help me kick this habit?

choco_chic

Dear choco,

No. Unfortunately, nothing is as good as chocolate. There's something magical about that chocolate flava, especially when enjoyed in bed.

Ask me for my advice here.
The poeboy Corporation-Improving the world through sex and sarcasm.
illaheebaby
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/13 19:11:51 (permalink)
dear poe,

how do i get rid of that lazy lump under the covers who won't go out AND GET A FUCKING JOB?

thanks,

hoillaheebaby

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ratman
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 01:22:01 (permalink)
It only takes one night, but the night has to go like this: Steal a car. A nice one. Like a Hummer. Stop by the liquor store and get lots of Captain Morgan, vodka, and Scnapp's. Put some good classic metal and head to Nevada. Once you cross into Nevada, find one of the more reputable whorehouses. Once located, sell the Hummer to some sleazy looking guy hiding behind a dumpster near a Wal-Mart. Spend all the money from the Hummer sale on one night of cheap, meaningless sex with a professional. Find a nice looking one, though. Wake up from this and light up a roach. I don't know where it came from, maybe the whore. Get your clothes on and head to the nearest bus station. Rob some old people and buy a ticket home. Once you get home, piss (literally) on all your Star wars stuff. Call that girl from high school you wanted to put the bone to, and ask her out. If she says no, ask her mom. If she says no, find a cheap slut, the town pump is usually a good one, and make her your steady. if you are still addicted to SW after this, you are stuck for life, and there is no hope for you. Let me know how things go.


I must be stuck for life poe. I'm still addicted and now my room smells like urine.....

This Week's Bushism
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illaheebaby
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 02:28:42 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: ratman

I must be stuck for life poe. I'm still addicted and now my room smells like urine.....


now you'll never get a woman...

may the force be with you

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ldopas
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 05:57:43 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: poeboy

ORIGINAL: ratman

Dear Poe,
Why are Americans so overweight?
-Ratman

Dear Ratman,

The addictiveness of reality TV and the overbearing bosses we have that demand we be "on time" thereby forcing us to eat fast food and junk food all the time are to blame for this rather sizeable problem.


Classic denial. Blame every outside influence except yourself! ;-)
poeboy
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 09:32:29 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: illaheebaby

dear poe,

how do i get rid of that lazy lump under the covers who won't go out AND GET A FUCKING JOB?

thanks,

hoillaheebaby

Dear hoilla,

Steal the covers. Deny the cootchie.

Ask me for my advice here.
The poeboy Corporation-Improving the world through sex and sarcasm.
poeboy
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 09:34:18 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: ratman

It only takes one night, but the night has to go like this: Steal a car. A nice one. Like a Hummer. Stop by the liquor store and get lots of Captain Morgan, vodka, and Scnapp's. Put some good classic metal and head to Nevada. Once you cross into Nevada, find one of the more reputable whorehouses. Once located, sell the Hummer to some sleazy looking guy hiding behind a dumpster near a Wal-Mart. Spend all the money from the Hummer sale on one night of cheap, meaningless sex with a professional. Find a nice looking one, though. Wake up from this and light up a roach. I don't know where it came from, maybe the whore. Get your clothes on and head to the nearest bus station. Rob some old people and buy a ticket home. Once you get home, piss (literally) on all your Star wars stuff. Call that girl from high school you wanted to put the bone to, and ask her out. If she says no, ask her mom. If she says no, find a cheap slut, the town pump is usually a good one, and make her your steady. if you are still addicted to SW after this, you are stuck for life, and there is no hope for you. Let me know how things go.


I must be stuck for life poe. I'm still addicted and now my room smells like urine.....

Dear Stuck,

As a last resort, which it appears you're at, you can pick up geek chicks at sci-fi conventions. The packaging might not be so great, but it shouldn't be too much work.

Ask me for my advice here.
The poeboy Corporation-Improving the world through sex and sarcasm.
David Seabrook
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 10:56:02 (permalink)
Dear poe,

When will Jessica Simpson's 15 minutes of fame ever end?

Sincerely
chicken uv-the-c

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poeboy
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 11:00:00 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: David Seabrook

Dear poe,

When will Jessica Simpson's 15 minutes of fame ever end?

Sincerely
chicken uv-the-c

Dear chicken,

Actually, no. The term "15 minutes of fame" is derived from an old Latin expression Undeservdicus famium eternum, which literally translates to "One who will be famous forever for no good fucking reason." Sadly, just when you think she's done, a homemade porn tape will turn up.

Ask me for my advice here.
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ldopas
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 12:13:24 (permalink)
Can I use our service Poe...


Dear Poe,

How is it a guy like Captain Howdy can breath and piss at the same time with a minus IQ?
post edited by ldopas - 2004/10/14 12:15:25
Captain Howdy
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 13:11:53 (permalink)
How is it a guy like Captain Howdy can breath and piss at the same time with a minus IQ?


I apparently really pissed you off this time with my non-serious rivalry with you. No more trying to make up with me and get into my pants. Now the English fag is enraged. More enraged than when I made a resume about Islam, enraging his warm liberal heart.

His question is not advice and, furthermore, makes no sense, as it is impossible to achieve a "minus IQ". I do not feel insulted - just puzzled that the smartest man in the world let two glaring flaws enter his plea.
post edited by Captain Howdy - 2004/10/14 13:12:12

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George W. Bush
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 13:24:08 (permalink)
By how much will I wiin the election?

VOTE REPUBLICAN IN YOUR NEXT ELECTION!

Thank you
poeboy
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 14:16:34 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: ldopas

Can I use our service Poe...


Dear Poe,

How is it a guy like Captain Howdy can breath and piss at the same time with a minus IQ?

Dear Can I,

Magic beans.

Ask me for my advice here.
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poeboy
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 14:17:50 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: Captain Howdy

How is it a guy like Captain Howdy can breath and piss at the same time with a minus IQ?


I apparently really pissed you off this time with my non-serious rivalry with you. No more trying to make up with me and get into my pants. Now the English fag is enraged. More enraged than when I made a resume about Islam, enraging his warm liberal heart.

His question is not advice and, furthermore, makes no sense, as it is impossible to achieve a "minus IQ". I do not feel insulted - just puzzled that the smartest man in the world let two glaring flaws enter his plea.

Dear Captain,

He might be pissed, but he is by no means a cigarette.

Ask me for my advice here.
The poeboy Corporation-Improving the world through sex and sarcasm.
poeboy
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 14:18:52 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: George W. Bush

By how much will I wiin the election?

Dear Mr. The President,

7%. Also, win only has one "i" in it.

Ask me for my advice here.
The poeboy Corporation-Improving the world through sex and sarcasm.
David Seabrook
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/14 19:36:58 (permalink)
Dear poe,

My son is having his seventh birthday party this sunday. He wants to do a movie themed party along the lines of Spiderman or Shrek. However, these movies are too violent and have no real point in my opinion. I do not want my child to grow up with the misguided values of Hollywood that needlessly exploit violence.

So, I was thinking it would still be fun to do a movie party, but to do it for The Passion Of The Christ instead. First, I would gather all of the kids to watch the director's cut version on my DVD, and then for fun, we would reenact my favorite scenes from the movie. Honestly, some of these kids coming to the party need to be whipped into shape.

Am I being an unreasonable parent? How do I convince my son that a 'Passion Of The Christ' birthday party will be a lot of fun?

Sincerely,

Mr. Giroux

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
poeboy
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/15 09:45:12 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: David Seabrook

Dear poe,

My son is having his seventh birthday party this sunday. He wants to do a movie themed party along the lines of Spiderman or Shrek. However, these movies are too violent and have no real point in my opinion. I do not want my child to grow up with the misguided values of Hollywood that needlessly exploit violence.

So, I was thinking it would still be fun to do a movie party, but to do it for The Passion Of The Christ instead. First, I would gather all of the kids to watch the director's cut version on my DVD, and then for fun, we would reenact my favorite scenes from the movie. Honestly, some of these kids coming to the party need to be whipped into shape.

Am I being an unreasonable parent? How do I convince my son that a 'Passion Of The Christ' birthday party will be a lot of fun?

Sincerely,

Mr. Giroux

Dear Mr. Giroux,

Well, for starters, it's Spider-Man. Note the hyphen. Remember the hyphen. Love the hyphen. Secondly, just remember when building your replica crosses to reinforce the crossbeams for the fat kids. To convince your son that this will be a good time, make him watch The Passion 7 times in a row with no potty breaks. Then, tell him if he doesn't do this party, there will be no Christmas. Sounds like a good time to me!
post edited by poeboy - 2004/10/15 09:48:42

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ratman
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RE: Dear Poe...the advice column 2004/10/16 01:45:53 (permalink)
Dear Poe Meister

What do women want?

-Rattie

This Week's Bushism
"If you can't read, it doesn't matter. That's just as simple as that. I mean, I know it doesn't sound very nuanced or sophisticated, but it's true. It's the absolute truth."
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